Recommended Reading - "Set Boundaries, Find Peace" by Nedra Glover Tawwab

“People can’t meet a standard that we never express.”

Setting boundaries is a tricky thing. By nature, humans are inherently social creatures. We thrive on close relationships for our emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. But what if the people in our life aren’t behaving in ways that align with our values? What if our needs are not being met? What if we have tried to communicate with them and nothing changes? 

Recently I finished reading the deeply insightful book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab. A licensed therapist and relationship expert, Nedra Glover Tawwab is known for her bestselling books “Drama Free” and “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.” She also shares practical mental health advice through her podcast, You Need to Hear This, and her Substack Newsletter, emphasizing values like emotional regulation, boundary-setting, and self-compassion.

"Set Boundaries, Find Peace" offers profound insights into the crucial role boundaries play in fostering healthy relationships and personal well-being. The book stood out to me for its emphasis on clear and assertive communication as the cornerstone of effective boundary-setting. It eloquently explains how boundaries serve as self-advocacy tools, ensuring our needs and expectations are respected. Particularly impactful was the discussion on overcoming the discomfort and guilt often associated with setting boundaries, highlighting that these feelings are natural but manageable. The author’s approach to understanding and addressing emotional health, especially for those with a history of emotional neglect or trauma, resonated deeply, reinforcing that setting boundaries is essential for building secure, respectful, and fulfilling relationships.

Before we transition into the five key messages I took away from this book let’s first look at what a boundary is.

What is a boundary?

A boundary is a personal limit that defines what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior from others in relationships and interactions. It serves as a guideline for how you expect to be treated and helps you protect your emotional and physical well-being. Boundaries communicate your needs, values, and expectations clearly to others, ensuring that your personal space, rights, and responsibilities are respected. They can be physical, emotional, intellectual, or even digital, and are essential for maintaining healthy and respectful relationships.

In the words of the author, “Boundaries are a way of advocating for yourself. Boundaries are a way to maintain the health and integrity of a relationship. Boundaries are an excellent way of saying “Hey, I like you so much. I want us to work on a few things.” Boundaries are a way of saying “I love myself.”” 

Boundaries are an important factor in healthy relationships, but what else do they provide? Let’s look at five key messages below.

Boundaries Define Acceptable Behaviour

“Once you grow beyond pleasing others, setting your standards becomes easier. Not being liked by everyone is a small consequence when you consider the overall reward of healthier relationships.”

Boundaries communicate what is acceptable and unacceptable in relationships, helping others understand how to interact with you. They are essential for expressing needs and expectations, ensuring your safety and comfort in various interactions.

Boundaries as Self-Advocacy

“Your boundaries are a reflection of how willing you are to advocate for the life that you want.”

Setting boundaries is a way of advocating for yourself and maintaining the health and integrity of your relationships. They reflect your self-respect and help in managing how others treat you.

Boundaries Communicate Your Needs Clearly

“In healthy relationships, it’s acceptable for you to be yourself.”

It’s crucial to verbalize your needs and boundaries directly and assertively. Clear communication prevents misunderstandings and ensures that others know your expectations, reducing the likelihood of boundary violations.

Boundaries Are Good For Your Emotional Health

“Setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bad person but a healthy one.”

Boundaries are vital for emotional health, particularly for those with a history of emotional neglect or trauma. They help in forming secure attachments and prevent the negative effects of passive or passive-aggressive behaviour.

Managing Discomfort and Guilt

“There is no such thing as guilt-free boundaries. Guilt is a part of this process. Guilt typically happens as a result of thinking that what you’re doing is “bad.” It comes from your programming about telling people what you need or want.”

Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable and might induce guilt, but it’s a necessary part of maintaining healthy relationships. Guilt typically arises from conditioned beliefs, but setting boundaries ultimately leads to more fulfilling and respectful interactions.

In Summary

According to the author, "the best boundaries are easy to understand. Starting statements with ‘I need,’ ‘I want,’ or ‘I expect’ helps you stay grounded in the truth of who you are." I especially appreciated her empowering approach, allowing us to state our boundaries using any means necessary. For me, verbal communication can sometimes be challenging, so giving myself permission that I can text or write my boundaries makes the process more comfortable and confident.

Overall, this insightful and practical book not only taught me a lot about myself but also encouraged me to reflect on how I communicate my needs to others. I highly recommend exploring Nedra's work on her website or Substack for anyone seeking to improve their relationships and personal well-being.

Journal Prompts (questions presented by the author in the book):

Where are you in need of boundaries right now? List three places or relationships where you would like to set a new one.

How were boundaries taught in your family? Did your parents/caregivers honour your boundaries? If so, in what ways?

What’s your biggest challenge with setting boundaries?

How do you think your life will be different once you’ve established healthy boundaries? In what relationships have you established healthy boundaries? What are some specific actions you can take to improve your boundaries?

How do you want to share your boundary with the other person? In person, via text, or by email?

Note: All quotes in this article are by Nedra Glover Tawwab