The Paradox of Suffering - How to Appreciate It and Let It Go - Part 1
“If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete.”
~ Viktor E. Frankl
As a human being on this planet we cannot avoid suffering. In order to feel joy we must be willing to feel sadness. In order to feel excitement we must be willing to feel disappointment. It is within these dualities that we live. It’s a part of life that we must accept, and in truth, it’s the suffering that allows the joys and the excitement to be all that much greater. That said, there comes a time where we may be carrying suffering from our past that no longer serves us, and we need to find a way to let that go in order to become all that we’re meant to be.
You know that box of keepsakes that you have in your basement, or maybe the back of your closet? You know, the one with all of the special items from childhood that you have emotional connections to and don’t yet want to let go of? Do you have a visual of the box / container / perhaps drawer of what I’m talking about? Now ask yourself - when was the last time you looked in that box and questioned if you still need what is in there? Do you still have those emotional connections? Is what’s in there still useful or serving you today?
It’s an interesting question, and one many of us can relate to. It could also be a fun exercise. What’s not fun, and what we don’t like to think about is all of the “keepsakes” we carry with us from negative or painful experiences. From times in our lives that we would rather not think about. Those we keep in a different kind of box, one that is stored deep in the basement of our conscious or unconscious selves. What we don’t realize is that we also carry this box with us from house to house, place to place, and by continuing to carry it we cause ourselves to suffer.
Suffering is defined as the state of undergoing pain, distress, or hardship. The root of the word comes from the Latin word sufferre, which is "to bear, undergo, endure, carry or put under." In modern times we tend to think of suffering as something that is put upon us by an external source, but a lot of times we suffer because we continue to carry experiences of pain from our past that we no longer need to carry.
While suffering is a part of life that none of us can avoid, we also need to recognize when it’s time to let go. This brings us to the question - how can we put down this heavy burden and release our suffering?
In this two part series, we will take three steps - we revisit the box in which we carry these experiences (Part 1), we question if what we are carrying is still needed (Part 1), and if it’s not needed we let it go (Part 2).
Revisiting The Past
“Until we allow whatever is true, the things that trouble us will never change, but only be suppressed. We are here to contemplate what we've been afraid of, what we run away from. It's liberating, because the only way we grow is through acknowledging and accepting what is true. Insofar as we can stay with the truth, everything else begins to melt.”
~ Enneagram Institute
Revisiting negative and painful experiences is the hardest part. For years I have carried around experiences, pain, and beliefs from my childhood that have caused me to silently suffer. The keyword there being silently. In many cases, we feel the experiences that happen to us can be ignored or cast aside, or that people wouldn’t understand. Or perhaps we don’t understand it ourselves, so then how do we possibly explain it to others? This was my experience. Growing up gay in the 1980’s, I didn’t have the language to explain what I was feeling or thinking. I suffered because I felt different and because of this difference I felt like I didn’t belong. Even though I couldn’t explain it, I felt that I could never get close to people, that something was wrong with me, that I had a secret to keep. And because of this secret, I remained separate from others. This separation is what led to my suffering because separation is suffering. Disconnection is suffering. Staying silent is suffering. Continuing to carry the box from place to place is suffering.
It’s only when I mustered up the courage to revisit these negative experiences or beliefs that I could start to change them. Ignoring them will only prolong the suffering. Acknowledging them, accepting them, and starting to question them is the only way forward.
Questioning Our Thoughts & Beliefs
“An unquestioned mind is the world of suffering.”
~ Byron Katie
I first found Byron Katie’s work years ago. In her first book, “Loving What Is,” Katie introduced readers to her concept called “The Work”, which is a practice of taking thoughts, beliefs, and problems that cause us to suffer and turn them around by asking four questions:
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
How do you react when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
Then after answering these questions, you are challenged to come up with a “turnaround,” a sentence expressing the opposite of what one believes. (For an example of this process, see this Los Angeles Magazine article).
I have applied these questions to several points of suffering in my life and each time I come away with a new understanding of both myself and the “problem.” In one example I used a story from my past where I felt someone had abandoned me. After applying the four questions and then creating a turnaround statement I finally understood that I had abandoned myself. I had judged myself and created an entire shaming story based on these judgements. It was transformational to finally see this, and to understand that what I needed to heal was me. My own understanding, my own acceptance, my own embrace, and from there I was able to let go of the old story and start the healing process of coming back to myself.
Life doesn’t always work out as we planned. Our expectations sometimes don’t match reality. Our past doesn’t turn out the way we wanted it to. We believe stories about people and events that may not be necessarily true. And through this all we suffer because we believe things should be or should have been different. This takes us away from ourselves, from the present moment, and from “Loving What Is.” It allows the suffering to continue. This is why stopping to question our thoughts and beliefs is an important step to healing. This can be done through journaling, contemplation, or by having a conversation with a close friend. The important part is taking the time to reflect and question.
Our Journey So Far
As we conclude Part 1 of our exploration into suffering and our ability to let it go, let's take a moment to reflect on our journey thus far. Suffering is an inevitable part of life, yet it need not define our existence. By acknowledging and releasing the grip of suffering, we open ourselves to greater freedom and resilience on our life's path.
To begin the process of letting go, we must first examine the roots of our suffering. Whether through silent contemplation, journaling, or dialogue with a trusted confidant, the act of questioning our beliefs and attachments is essential for cultivating inner peace.
In Part 2 of this series, we will delve deeper into practical strategies for releasing suffering. I'll provide you with an exercise to facilitate this process and explore how our experiences of suffering can ultimately lead to greater compassion and inner strength.
Thank you for embarking on this transformative journey with me!
Feature Photo by Esther Jiao on Unsplash
