Accepting Insecurity, Embracing Imperfection, Cultivating Strength
Confession
I struggle with insecurity. Picture this: I’m having a conversation with someone. It’s someone I have known for a short time but already I know that I enjoy talking with this person and would like to spend more time talking with them. We exchange information and plan to talk again, but when I reach out I hear nothing back. Silence. Crickets. It’s disappointing and I can feel my “not enough” gremlins stirring in the shadows, starting to question everything I did and everything I said, replaying the conversation again and again to pinpoint where things went wrong. And then, to make things even worse, I start judging myself for being insecure. I get insecure about feeling insecure! Isn’t that ironic and a bit perplexing?
But why share this confession? Well, dear reader, it’s because I don’t believe I’m alone in this struggle. I think many of us struggle with insecurity, and also judge ourselves for it, and I would like to explore that a little.
Insecurity, rooted in the Latin word "insecurus" (meaning “not-without-care”), speaks to our deepest fears and uncertainties. It means being held in fear or doubt, feeling unsafe, not fully assured, not firmly fixed. For me, it traces back to childhood. Growing up in “the closet” I never felt totally safe or fully assured. I was on the lookout, scanning for danger, scanning for the people who would judge me and not accept me. Safety felt elusive and acceptance seemed conditional. My quest to belong, to find my place amidst the uncertainty, fuels my insecurities, and they manifest in various aspects of my life.
Insecurity, however, is not a solitary experience. It permeates relationships, careers, finances, and self-image, casting its shadow over every facet of our existence. It's a multifaceted adversary, capable of consuming our thoughts and holding us back from embracing life's opportunities.
So how do we get rid of it? How do we break free of the chains of insecurity that weigh us down and hold us back?! Answer: We don’t. At least not at first. There is no miracle cure, no antidote, no quick fix. The journey is long, but like all journeys, it begins with a single step.
“The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.”
- Erich Fromm
Acceptance
The first step in this process is allowing our insecurities to be here. To accept them. To understand that they are shards of broken pain from past trauma. Judging them will not help. Our job is not to judge when the flush of insecurity consumes us, but to understand that we don't need to be anything other than what we are. We are not perfect. We are beautifully imperfect. Our job and part of our work is to learn to accept those insecurities until they feel safe enough to heal.
Somehow, through society, we are told that we should not have insecurities. We should always be confident and self-assured. That is the message we receive, but I’m finally starting to question that. I think everyone has insecurities. Everyone feels a little shaky at times. But when I believe that I should be 100% secure 100% of the time I feel like I need to be perfect and strong and totally cool, which is a lot of pressure to put on myself! By letting that belief go I would be okay with my insecurities, more at peace. More loving and accepting of myself. More understanding. We all have insecurities. This is the truth of it. Accepting this reality helps us stop judging ourselves for having them.
“If you are insecure, guess what? The rest of the world is, too.
Do not overestimate the competition and underestimate yourself.
You are better than you think.”
– Tim Ferriss
Healing Our Insecurities
That all said, I do want to explore how we can gently work on our insecurities so that they no longer hold us back. In this work we turn inward.
When I think about insecurity it seems like the furthest place from true self. It feels full of comparison and not-enough-ness and attachment to what other people think. It feels like instability, a wobbly-ness that keeps me off balance until I’m able to grasp the closest external object to steady me. It feels like a grounding in others, not in myself. Insecurity puts all of my worth in someone else's hands.
As I’ve written about previously, it’s good to remember that nothing external to us will ever give us that love, acceptance, and confidence in the way that we can give it to ourselves. We’re looking out when we can be looking inward for all that we need.
“I have self-doubt. I have insecurity. I have fear of failure. I have nights when I show up at the arena and I'm like,
'My back hurts, my feet hurt, my knees hurt. I don't have it. I just want to chill.'
We all have self-doubt. You don't deny it, but you also don't capitulate to it. You embrace it.”
- Kobe Bryant
Give Yourself What You Need
What do you need to hear? What do you need to feel? There is so much good about you. Take some time today and every day to write yourself a note telling yourself what you need to hear. Give to yourself what you are hoping or needing to receive from others. You don’t need others to tell you your worth, or to even see it. You can't control what others see. What they see is based on their own perceptions, their own beliefs and life experiences. That has nothing to do with you, and you can do nothing to control it. When you need love, when you need security, when you need reassurance, come back to yourself. Love yourself. Give yourself the security you need.
I know this sounds easier said than done. I know a lot of our insecurities come from childhood or a time when we did not know that we could love ourselves. How could we? And so we sought security and love and affection and acceptance from others. It was perfectly natural to do that, but it was also disappointing and lonely when we didn’t get it. Now times have changed, and I'm here to tell you that everything you've been wanting your whole life is right here. In Love. In your Self. You are wonderful just the way you are in this moment. Start a practice today of writing, journaling, and affirming that to yourself. Give to yourself what you need.
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
Embracing Imperfection, Cultivating Strength
Insecurity is not a flaw; it's a shared human experience. As I navigate my own journey of self-acceptance, I've come to realize that struggling with insecurity doesn't make me weak—it makes me resilient. Each moment of doubt is an opportunity for growth, a chance to reaffirm my worthiness and embrace the beautiful imperfections that make me who I am.
If you find yourself grappling with insecurity, know that you are not alone. Embrace your vulnerabilities, for they are the threads that weave the tapestry of your unique story. Believe in the strength that resides within you—the strength to face uncertainty with courage, to embrace imperfection with grace, and to journey towards self-discovery with unwavering determination. You are whole. You are enough. And in that truth, you'll find the power to shine brightly, just as you are.
Key Takeaways and Actionable Steps
Practice Self-Compassion: When feelings of insecurity arise, treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Remind yourself that it's normal to experience insecurity and that you deserve love and acceptance, just as you are.
Build Self-Awareness: Pay attention to triggers that exacerbate your insecurities and explore their underlying causes. Journaling, therapy, or mindfulness practices can help you gain deeper insight into your thought patterns and emotional responses.
Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. This could include exercise, meditation, creative hobbies, spending time in nature, or connecting with supportive friends and family members.
Journal: Set aside time each day to engage in journaling as a form of self-reflection. Find a quiet and comfortable space where you can freely express your thoughts and emotions without judgment. Write about your experiences, feelings, and insecurities, exploring their origins and underlying patterns. Tell yourself what you need to hear. Write yourself a love letter and celebrate all that you are.
Seek Support: Don't hesitate to reach out for support from trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals. Sharing your struggles with others can help alleviate feelings of isolation and provide valuable perspective and guidance.
Celebrate Progress: Celebrate small victories and moments of growth along your journey to overcoming insecurity. Recognize and acknowledge the progress you've made, no matter how incremental, and be gentle with yourself during setbacks.
