The Missing Piece Is … Me

“Peace doesn't require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.”
~ Byron Katie

Growing up, I was a consistent goal-setter. From aspiring to play softball on a scholarship in the States to chasing dreams of participating in the Olympics, I had plans. While the Olympic dream didn't materialize, I did secure a scholarship to play softball in America. However, the reality of the experience didn't align with the expectations I had nurtured for so long. Instead of fulfillment, there was an unexpected sense of disappointment. 

I’ve now read enough books, watched enough documentaries, and had enough life experiences to know that if I put all my eggs in one basket with one experience or one person I’m going to come away with a yolky mess. However, I didn’t know that at the time. I had high expectations of improving my softball skills, being a student athlete and all the glory that came with it (I watched a lot of college basketball), I would be in the best shape of my life, and I would make friendships that would last a lifetime. 

Already I’m sure you might be bracing yourself for what really happened. Instead of all that I had a coach who ruled by fear and fear alone, we travelled from dusty town to dusty town eating at Burger King and convenience stores along the way, I had shocking truths revealed to me about alcoholism, drug use, racism, gun violence, religious backlash (for some reason I thought coming out as gay while living in the Bible Belt of America would be received okay), relationship heartbreak, and terrorism and the American response (I was down there during 9/11). 

Needless to say the grand dreams I thought I would experience turned out to be not so grand. I ended up quitting softball for good 3 months after graduation, leaving my dreams of getting to the Olympics behind. On some days I still wonder if I could have made it, but in other ways I wonder if it would have been a similar outcome. 

In the movie “The Weight Of Gold” many athletes speak of this eventual let-down and the mental health crisis that ensues after experiencing their Olympic dream. Even Michael Phelps, arguably the most decorated Olympic athlete of our time, struggled with the realization that one moment does not define who you are. 

"If your whole life was about building up to one race, one performance, or one event, how does that sustain everything that comes afterward? . . . Eventually, for me at least, there was one question that hit me like a ton of bricks: Who was I outside of the swimming pool?"
~ Michael Phelps 

I struggled with the same question. Who was I outside of softball? From athletic aspirations, my focus shifted to career goals, entrepreneurship, finances, relationships, and travel. Despite achievements in these domains, a persistent void lingered—a nameless nagging feeling that something crucial was missing. Perhaps you can relate, that elusive void that seems just out of reach, an indescribable emptiness.

I logically understood that external achievements wouldn't provide ultimate fulfillment. Yet, grasping this intellectually and feeling it deep within are distinct experiences. I have spent many years thinking about this, staying in my head about it. But recently, a moment of clarity struck, and I FELT the profound truth of the statement: nothing external could ever complete, fulfill, or heal me. The missing piece could only come from within— from me.

It was a ground-shaking moment. A deep knowing that I had to approach things differently. And so, a new focus emerged, a new "goal" took shape. My intention shifted towards self-discovery, self-love, self-healing, and self-trust. It became a journey back to my authentic self, a trek marked by uncertainty, curiosity, introspection, and a growing awareness of my behaviors and responses. Acknowledging fears and confronting past pain became integral aspects of this transformative journey. It's an ongoing process, a journey with no clear endpoint, and that's perfectly okay because the essence lies in the ongoing exploration, curiosity, and the courage to confront and grow.

“A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.”
~ Lao Tzu

In a world that bombards us with messages suggesting that external entities—be it relationships, products, or experiences—hold the key to healing and happiness, the reality is different. No external force, person, or thing can "complete" us. It's not someone else's responsibility to make us happy. True wholeness comes from within, from the profound acts of self-healing and self-love. Every day is a lesson in understanding and embodying this truth, a journey that demands courage and, perhaps above all, patience.

“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.” ~ Brené Brown

Feature Photo by Pierre Bamin on Unsplash